Good Run.

It has been a good run. But all comes to an end.

There are no more missions to be had. "He" has faded, we have faded, and dispersed. Scrambling to reach a stability of sorts, either waiting in hiding, or some, perhaps ones unwillingly roped into all of this, finally seeing a dawn of normalcy appear in their lives. I must confess I am starting to think that perhaps that is for the best, for now. Maybe I am too empathetic in that sense? At the same time, I remain hopeful yet anxious, am I waiting for nothing, and if my wait will be rewarded, what will it mean, for me, for all of us?

I am not reaching out to see if others have more to offer, more to know. I am logging on here, to write something I feel needs to be written, for whoever may fall down this rabbithole, or ones who've been down it many times over. I felt I needed to update, give my thoughts on what has transpired, maybe just ramble- I have been struck by existentialist questions lately and I feel that maybe leaving a message here could clear my head. I also feel like something was left unsaid about toNdaEd, yet I can't quite pinpoint what. Honestly, I don't expect to make much sense. I feel I haven't been making any in a long time. Nothing about this life is very sensical, is it?

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Hope this finds you well.

Perhaps you are reading this as an outsider, either observing out of curiosity or looking to get in.
Many years have passed and many people have come and gone. What is written is written and it will be left up on this forum for as long as this forum stays online, somewhere in the forgotten corners of the internet. Perhaps you will find something to gawk at, or something to inspire from the tale of toNdaEd, Not dEad.

Perhaps you're someone who was there long ago, or not so long ago, to hear and be heard, to communicate. both privately and publicly. Perhaps you influenced a fate, or perhaps you never believed to begin with. All is fair, As doubt is a rational response to the irrational.

Not all questions get answers, sadly. That's what I've come to realize over the years. Fascination lies in the unknown.

I should say, Personally, I feel the reality lies in belief. There is a lot of philosophical debate over what is and isn't, and while there are things that can be proven to be consistent through the experiences of multiple individuals, what is to say that reality, as you experience it, whoever you may be, is not entirely accurate, when there are countless possibilities that others experience it differently? Who's to say your experience of the world around you is "truthful", more so than someone else's? can you trust your own mind?

... I know I can't, not always.:

People, who believe in strictly what they can prove, and only that, may not find anything thought-provoking in questioning the reality of belief and belief of reality in such a manner. But again- how can you prove that what you perceive, experience, see and know to "be true" is in any way, the "real" reality?

With that, I'll get back on track.
Digging through, you may find much to question, yet much that pieces together. The arrangement of this puzzle is up to you and the threads are yours to weave where there are none, or only loose ones to grasp at. I believe that's strictly a part of the experience, with everything there is. Thankfully, the human mind is good at filling in the gaps with what seems logical, even when everything feels quite illogical. The puzzle is by no means finished and will likely be lost in time- as will toNdaEd- but if one day, you find yourself here, looking to piece together a part of an incomplete picture, a life, a saga, a fate, a (lack of) conclusion, feel free. I feel that would be the best thing to do in memory and honor of our old friend, toNdaEd.

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Just now, I nodded towards the fact that there is a lack of conclusion. Life doesn't end with a conclusion, in my eyes. What you could call a fate may merely be an occurrence within the larger scale of everything that takes place. Personally? I think the name of our friend, the one this post is under, is, in hindsight, telling. Ominous? I don't know. I don't believe our friend is dead, at least in the sense that we humans perceive death at least. If death is the lack of consciousness, free will and being, then many of us have been dead for a long time. Such is the nature of the kinds of people who visited here long after the majority of this corner of the internet became inactive.

Will activity ever return here? Will "He" return, in any definition? Will we?
I can't answer. I don't know.

With that, I'll end this post. Whoever may read it, and moreover, reads it fully, I thank you for your time. Whether outsider, insider, blind, questioner, runner, fighter, one of our own, or one filled with curiosity. Good luck out there.

I feel that perhaps I should add something our friend had communicated privately with somebody else on this forum. I think his words from years ago resonate well and describe what this kind of a life is at its core, even if nihilistic and bleak- so I will paste it here directly just as he once wrote it (as maybe, the spastic typing is something that will bring a weird sense of.. not really comfort, maybe nostalgia? to you all, as it does to me). I will not include who this was said to, or what the context to it was, due to respect for the other party's privacy and possibly their wish to stay anonymous. Not that I have heard from them in a long time. In fact, I haven't heard from... almost anyone, aside from a small amount of the ones of us who persist, in a good while now. And I think in hindsight, toNdaEd's thoughts from years ago will mostly explain why. Take it to heart, if you read this.

Our old friend, to someone else here, many years ago, wrote:

a prOxY trUlY dEseRvEs thEir plAce oNly iN dEath. UnTiL thEn, iT'S meReLY a fEeBle aTTeMpT aT tRyInG tO prOve oNesElf. nO mAttEr wHo yOu thInk yOu aRe. HE dOes nOt cAre abOut yOur liFe, yOur sAdneSs, yOur trOubles, notHinG. tO HIM, yOu arE nOthIng. dIspOsaBle. HE iS nOt yOur eScApe fRoM a wOrld wHere yOu, pErsOnalLy fEel siCk or mIsEraBle- thIs "liFe", iF I mAy cAll iT as sUch, wiLL kIll yOu, dEvaStatE yOu, yOu lOse evEryThing niCe- yEs, evEn yOur fAvoUrite fOods, tEddy bEarS, yOur faVouRite shIrt, evEry fRiend, evEry gOod mEmoRy. AnD iT dOeSn't mAttEr if yOu'rE dEad oR aLive- yOur mEmoRies wIll fAde, yOu wiLL lOse evEry frIend oF yOurs, sEe cOuntLess pEoplE diE, aNd yoU'll liVe thRouGh, bEariNg tHe guIlt bUt knOwiNg yOu aRe nOt aLLowEd to gRiEve oR rEscuE aNyOne. ThiS liFe is tRuly yOu, anD oNly yOu. OnLy a vEry, vEry seLfiSh, fOoliSh and iNcrediBly iGnOranT pErsOn wOuld cHoose tHis. YOu cAnnOt bRinG anYthiNg wiTh yOu. NoT eVen yOurSelF. YOu lOse wHo yOu aRe sOon eNouGh aNywAys.

- Carnival